He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.