He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.