He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.