If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.