If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.