Sex is free fun for poor people.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.