Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.