My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.