I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.