I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.