I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD