I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.