I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.