The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.