The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.