All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.