I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.