I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.