Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.