Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.