Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.