Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?