I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.