I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.