The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.