We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.