We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?