I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.