I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Coward is the most misused word in our society.