If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.