If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.