If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.