If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.