If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.