If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.