If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.