If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.