If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.