I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."