I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.