I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.