I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.