I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.