Get the right to marry - and then don't.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.