I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.