There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.