If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.