If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Sex is free fun for poor people.