If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?