Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.