Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.