They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.