They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.