They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.