Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.