Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?