If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.