If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.