If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.