The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.