The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.