Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.