So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.