So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.