They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.