They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.