They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?