Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?