Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.