Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.