Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.