Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.