What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.