There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.