The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.