The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.