Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.