Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.