Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.