Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

he ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.