It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.