I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.