I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.