People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.