People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.