People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.