In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?