In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!