In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.