In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.