There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.