There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?