There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.