I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.