I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.