I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.